"Find out who you are, Do it on purpose"

Deep down i'm still that little girl. I'm still learning, still trying to find my way. I'm overly emotional, i'm one of the strongest people you'll ever meet. Just plodding my little path of life and taking everything as it comes. I make a joke out of EVERYTHING, it's quite annoying.. but i don't do serious. One day soon i'll fly away from here. x

15th July 2012

Post

<3

Can’t believe it’s two years today since you’ve been gone. I can’t believe it’s been over two years since I last chatted with you and heard you laugh. It feels like centuries ago, yet feels like hours ago. I still hear you laugh, still see you smile, still hear you saying “noooo love me the same” or “ohhhh frankkk” ..I still remember the day we met, the day we decided we were destined to be best friends. I love how all of our memories are just filled with smiles and laughter – back in the day of being early morning monitors and feeling important, making up dances to nokia ringtones, our little adventures, I remember the time we went to west witterings in the middle of winter and just ran in the sea fully clothed and stayed there jumping about for hours, then had to go to a little chef and hand-dry our clothes in the toilets with everyone walking in looki

28th April 2012

Post

Loss

Losing you has been completely shit… massive understatement.. How is a person meant to live their life normally without their best friend in it?!


The littlest things seem so complicated. Asking for advice.. Needing someone to cry to.. Who am I supposed to go to, there’s nobody I want to go to because I’d feel wrong and guilty and like I was replacing you..

I want to talk about you all the time, tell everyone how amazing you are but it’s so hard to know HOW to talk about you, do I say you are, or you were.. I cant say you were, not out loud. Do I speak happily, and get strange looks for being so positive even though inside I’m breaking or do I cry and make people feel awkward so they change the subject anyway… I can’t win either way…

and life in general everytime I’m miserable I feel guilty as I have the time and I shouldn’t be sitting around sulking and I know you wouldn’t want me to do that… but when I’m happy, something is ALWAYS going to be missing. and everytime I’m happy, everytime I laugh I can’t help but feel pain with it and a guilt, I’m angry at myself for being able to do these things when I’ve lost you, I should not be here without you!

The new important people, particular person, in my life, won’t get to know you… that destroys me. That I’m here not knowing your opinion and that I can only tell stories and talk about you.. but they won’t get to meet you. it devastates me.

People always say time will make it better, it hasn’t.. I can’t believe it’s coming up to two years since we sat and had some us time.. since my happiest times. since I saw you smile, heard a story, heard you laugh… it feels like yesterday yet at the same time it feels like years and years longer than it has been…

I miss you more than ever describable. Still to this day I haven’t spoken to anyone about how it feels, still to this day I can’t face you’re not coming back. If I say it loud it makes it far too real.. I don’t want anyone to know those inner feelings of my heart and soul, nobody knows just how much I’m hurting and I could never tell nobody but you, yet I can’t tell you..

People ask me questions about what happened and I’ve constantly just factually given them their answers without any hint of emotion in me… sometimes I see their faces, waiting for more of a reaction but I change the subject away from the facts as quickly as I can because I know if I don’t I’ll break down completely..

I need you back so much but I know it’s impossible. I hate that I’d literally do anything, there would be no limit in what I would do, yet there is nothing I can do.

I hate telling people I miss them, even though yes there are times I miss people, it seems a stupid word to say, because I never realiZed just how painful truly missing someone is..

I hope wherever you are you’re happy. I hope you’re looking down and I hope you are proud. I think about you every single day.. with every single choice I make..

I love you to infinity and beyond, my bestest xxxxxxxxxx

14th December 2011

Post

because it can’t be explained any clearer.

on my roof, dark and i’m burning a rope,

i don’t need proof,

i’m torn apart and you know what you did to me was a crime

cold case love,

and i let you reach me one more time,

but that’s enough..

your love was breaking the law, but i needed a witness,

so wake me up when it’s over, it don’t make any difference,

will it ever be solved

or am I taking the fall

truth was there all along, tell me how did I miss it..

we opened up a cold case love,

and it got the best of us,

now prints, pictures and white outlines, are all that’s left at the scene of the crime

of a cold case love..

should’ve investigated, but love blinded eyes couldn’t see,

and then i tried to cage it, but your love ain’t the kind you can keep,

release me now because I did my time, of this cold case love,

my hearts no longer cold and confined,

i’ve had enough..

your love was breaking the law, but i needed a witness,

so wake me up when it’s over, it don’t make any difference,

will it ever be solved

or am I taking the fall

truth was there all along, tell me how did I miss it..

we opened up a cold case love,

and it got the best of us,

now prints, pictures and white outlines, are all that’s left at the scene of the crime

of a cold case love..

we lost our way, took it too far,

and i’ll never find the pieces of my heart,

we’ve lost enough, looking for a truth that was here all along..

your love was breaking the law, but i needed a witness,

so wake me up when it’s over, it don’t make any difference,

will it ever be solved

or am I taking the fall

truth was there all along, tell me how did I miss it..

we opened up a cold case love,

and it got the best of us,

now prints, pictures and white outlines, are all that’s left at the scene of the crime

of a cold case love..

5th December 2011

Post

<3

I don’t want to be the girl who has to laugh the loudest,

or the girl who never wants to be alone,

I don’t want to be that call at 4o’clock in the morning,

because i’m the only one in the world you know that won’t be home..

that’s not the way I want my story to end..

i’m safe, up high, nothing can touch me,

but why do i feel this party’s over?

no pain inside, you’re my protection

but how do I feel this good sober?

I don’t wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence,

the quiet scares me because it screams the truth,

please don’t tell me that we had that conversation,

because i won’t remember, save your breath, because what’s the use?

I am falling,

And if I let myself go i’m the only one to blame..

28th November 2011

Post

when we used..

to say goodnight I’d always kiss and hold you tight,
but lately you dont seem to care,
you close the door and leave me standing there..

oh honey, that’s not fair,
that’s it, I quit, I’m moving on..

you made me want you,
you made me leave you,
you made me tumble and fall,
but if I can’t have you the way i want you,
I don’t want you at all..

baby I can take a lot,
because I love everything you’ve got,
though your kisses fill me,
so if you’ve got someone else,
I’ve got to go,
and that you know..

thats it honey, I quit, I’m moving on..

you made me want you,
you made me leave you,
you made me tumble and fall,
but If I can’t have you the way I want you,
then I don’t want you at all..

20th November 2011

Post with 1 note

i wish..

that people would try and understand that this is not something i can just forget and move on from..

imagine one week without being able to have any contact with your best friend..

 then imagine going without them for over a year and knowing every single day it’s not going to change..

 imagine wanting to be upset about that fact but feeling too guilty to because you can tell that everyone is getting fed up with you being miserable because everyone around you can’t be bothered to listen..

and then imagine how much harder it hits you that the one person that would of sat there with you and listened for as long as it took is the one person thats gone.

i just want my best friend back and i’m so sick of slapping on a smile and pretending to be okay, because i’m not.

this month has been so hard without her here. trying to celebrate with the feeling of emptiness because the best thing that could of been there is missing.

and these words don’t even start to describe the pain or the fear or the upset i have in me right now..

or the anger that passes through me every single day because i don’t understand why it had to be her when so many selfish evil people are walking around every day.

that im surrounded by heartless cunts.

and i’d give anything to have her back here,

and i pray for anything to not have to stick this out anymore.

17th November 2011

Post

how did I…

ever let you slip away,
never knowing i’d be singing this song someday,
and now i’m sinking,
sinking to rise no more,
ever since you closed the door.

if I could turn, turn back the hands of time,
then my darling you, you’d still be mine,

funny, funny how time goes by,
and blessings are missed in the wink of an eye,
why oh why oh why should one have to go on suffering,
when every day I pray,
please come back to me..

15th November 2011

Post

weep for yourself..

you’ll never be what is in your heart,
weep for yourself,
you’ll never be as brave as you were at the start..

rate yourself and rake yourself,
taking all the courage you have left,
wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head..

and it was not your fault, but mine
and it was your heart on the line,
I really fucked it up this time,
didn’t I my dear?!

tremble for yourself,
you know that you have seen this all before,
tremble for yourself,
you’ll never settle any of your scores,
your grace is wasted in your face,
your boldness stands alone among the wreck,
now learn from your mother,
or else spend all your days biting your own neck..

and it was not your fault but mine,
and it was your heart on the line,
I really fucked it up this time,
didn’t I my dear

xx

12th November 2011

Post

I came to..

win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive,
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise, to fly..

I wish today it’ll rain all day,
maybe that’ll kinda make the pain go away,
trying to forgive you for abandoning me,
praying but I still think I’m an angel away,
angel away, yeah strange in away,
maybe that’s why I chase strangers away,
they’ve got their guns out aiming at me,
but I become near when they’re aiming at me,
me,me, me against them,
me against enemies, me against friends,
somehow they all seem to become one,
a sea full of sharks and they all smell blood..

they start coming,
I start rising,
must be surprising, i’m surmising,

I win, thrive, soar
higher higher higher,
more fire..

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive, I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise to fly..

everybody wanna try and box me in,
suffocating everytime it locks me in,
they paint their own pictures and they crop me in,
but I will remain where the top begins,
because I am not a word,
I am not a line,
I am not a girl that can ever be defined,
I am not fly,
I am levitation,
I represent an entire generation..

I hear the criticism loud and clear,
that’s how I know that the time is near,
see we become alive in a time of fear,
and I ain’t got no motherfucking time to spare,
cry my eyes out for days upon days,
such a heavy burden placed upon me,
but when you go hard your nays become yays..

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive, I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise, to fly

get ready for it
I came to win..

2nd November 2011

Post

you’re

not easy to love,
you’re not easy to love, no..

why is everything with you so complicated
you make it so hard to love you and I hate it
cause if you really wanna be alone
I throw my hands up cause baby I tried
but everything with you is so complicated
oh why?!

sometimes I get you,
sometimes I don’t understand,
sometimes I love you,
sometimes its you I can’t stand,
sometimes I wanna hug you,
sometimes I wanna push you away
most times I wanna kiss you,
other times put you..

and every minute you start switching up,
saying things like I don’t give a fuck,
then I say I’m through with you,
I take my heart from you,
and you come running after me and then I’m back with you..

you’re not easy to love,
you’re not easy to love, no..

and why is everything with you so complicated,
why do you make it hard to love you oh I hate it,
cause if you really wanna be alone,
I throw my hands up cause baby I’ve tried,
why is everything with you so complicated, oh why..

sometimes I catch you,
sometimes you get away,
sometimes I read you,
sometimes I’m like where are you on the page
sometimes I felt like we’d be together forever,
but you’re so complicated,
my heart and all is bitter

why is everything with you so complicated,
why do you make it hard to love you oh I hate it,
cause if you really wanna be alone
I throw my hands up cause baby I’ve tried
but everything with you is so complicated..
and oh why

im gonna stick around just a little while longer,
just to make sure that you’re really sure you like sleeping alone..